The New Los Angeles Driver Exam

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name: ____________________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ____________________ Attorney: __________________
Therapist: __________________
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: ____________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks' coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging/reloading firearms
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: __
a) call the police to report the crime.
b) call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should: __
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should: __
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications? __
a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium f) Zoloft g) All of the above h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________

Length of daily commute: __
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain: ____________________

When stopped by police, you should: __
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by: __
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often? __
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: __
a) dark, poorly lit roads.
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way.
c) revenge!

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brendan@polylith.com