Puns

• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.