Washington Post: Silly Contest

The Washington Post has a silly contest in their Style section every Sunday. This week's contest was to complete any one of four sentences:

"Your spouse might be taking you for granted if..."
"Your kid might be hanging with the wrong crowd if..."
"You might consider cutting back on your drinking if..."
"You might have a bad doctor if..."
There are always silly prizes for the winner. The magic entry for this contest won "a fabulous teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied doofuses. It is worth about $50." Without further delay:

Honorable Mentions

Your kid might be hanging with the wrong crowd if...

...he calls his kindergarten teacher "Gangsta Bitch"
...you start most discussions with him by saying, "Put down the gun."
...his friends have either been "whacked" or are "in the joint."
...he asks for his allowance in "Camel Cash."
...he has Astroturf lining his truck bed, but he won't say what it's for.
...he suggests it might be a good idea to bulletproof the family car.
...even John Thompson won't recruit him.

You might have a bad doctor if...

...he ends every sentence with "Bada-bing, bada-boom."
...he says, "I think we better try bleeding you."
...he moonlights at Jiffy Lube.
...he saves used tongue depressors to make Popsicles for the neighborhood kids.
...his surgical mask is made out of human skin.
...his diploma is from the Starfleet Academy.
...you see him at the drugstore, asking the pharmacist for advice.
...you can tell he expects a tip.

You might consider cutting back on your drinking if...

...you have no idea how that mailbox became attached to your wrist.
...you find yourself wasting your heroin money on drinks.
...paint thinner is becoming too pretentious for you.
...you keep getting arrested for relieving yourself on the airline beverage carts.
...you find yourself choosing your wardrobe by what won't show vomit stains.
...your latest get-rich-quick-scheme is to win the Style Invitational.

Your spouse might be taking you for granted if...

...she makes you sleep on the wet spot--in the cat box.
...his idea of housework is remembering to flush the toilet.
...she stays up all night talking to Eleanor Roosevelt.
...she no longer finds you witty and contends unfairly that your sense of humor is infantile and fixated on bodily funtions, such as farting.

Fourth Runner-Up:

Your spouse might be taking you for granted if...
...he asks you to pretend to be his sister when he introduces you to his new secretary.

Third Runner-Up:

You might have a bad doctor if...
...during the operation, he leaves an airline liquor bottle in you.

Second Runner-Up:

You might have a bad doctor if...
...the diplomas on his wall are on fax paper.

First Runner-Up:

You might have a bad doctor if...
...you can see his butt crack.

WINNER:

You might have a bad doctor if...
...he introduces himself by saying "Hi, I'll be you 'doctor' today" -- with hand quotes.

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